Officially depressed

That did not last long.  I just went off the Prozac January 1 and I'm not doing well already.  I tried starting St. John's Wort, but either it's taking a really long time to build up in my system or it just isn't going to work for me.

Last night, I couldn't stop crying after DH stomped around the house yelling at himself for something he did.  It wasn't even directed at me.   I can't concentrate at work.  I'm starting to get that feeling of being down in a well, looking way up at the rest of the world moving around up there without me.  That's how it always starts.  First, the inability to function.  Then the guilt and feelings of worthlessness because I'm not functioning.  Then, it gets really bad.

Dr. Jeanne told me that Prozac can stay in your system for weeks (or sometimes even months) and that she wouldn't be surprised if the only reason I'd been doing marginally well since I stopped taking it was that it was still floating around in my system and I could be in for serious trouble when it finally wears out of my system.  She said I need to go see my pdoc, and I shouldn't be self-medicating and yadda yadda.  I tried, but his next available appointment is Feb 16.  I made the appointment anyway, but it seems like a million years away. 

I know that all three doctors (including the teeny-bopper OB/Gyn I went to) told me that the risks of going off the Prozac may be higher than the risks of staying on it, and I know that I've done this before (gone off meds without checking with the doc) to no good end, and I know that I'm at high risk of recurrent major depressive episodes which have in the past led to suicidal thoughts.  I know.  I know.   I know.  I just hate meds.  I hate hate hate having to take a frickin pill every day.  I hate the side effects.  I hate not knowing what the long term effects on my body will be.  I hate that other people function and live without having to medicate.  I hate that people judge and criticize me (and others) for being on meds as though we were just doing it because it was some fad or something and not because it keeps us from dying.

I had hoped that adding regular exercise would help.  It's supposed to help.  But, all the studies are based on people with mild to moderate depression.  None of the alternative therapies have been shown to work with the majors.  I keep hoping they just haven't done the studies right, but so far... not so much with the helping.