Tired.

I made it past the first trimester.  Woo!  The morning sickness subsided a few weeks ago, and I am not nearly as exhausted as I had been.  I am, however, really tired.  My sinuses are inflamed and painful, and I feel like I'm on the verge of tears constantly.  I just want to sleep.

I bought some maternity jeans at Goodwill last night.  I got three pairs of jeans for the price of one pair at the Gap.  I felt like a conquering hero.  "AHA!  You can not force me to waste my money in your capitalistic endeavors! muahaha!"

But then, DH and I got in a big fight last night over where we're going to have the baby.  The fight was really over the fact that he was talking to other people about what THEY thought we should do and had never stopped to ask me what I thought was important or what my goals were or what I wanted.  We had a long talk and worked things out, but it was emotionally exhausting.  All I want is to crawl under the covers.

And there was much rejoicing

Made the big announcement today.  Everyone was supportive and excited.  I was afraid I would get at least a little bit of "aren't you too old for that?"  But, I suspect most of my friends and co-workers don't know how old I actually am and my family just would never do that.

Today marks 12 weeks.  According to one of the three counting systems I've seen discussed, I'm moving into the second trimester now.  That's good news because it means the risk of miscarriage is way, way down.  But, you never know what is going to happen in this world, and I've seen bad things happen later in pregnancies too.  No use dwelling on the worst-case scenario.  Especially since there's little I can do to prevent the worst from happening.  I can eat right, exercise, and do all the correct things and still get some random genetic fluke.  Best not to dwell on those possibilities.

My NT scan came back "normal," although they did not give me the complete numbers.  I had the first trimester genetic screening as well, but it will be a week or so before I get those results.  I am trying hard to stay optimistic and confident.  It's amazing that I'm doing as well as I am, considering that I'm completely off my depression meds.  Go, go functional me!

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention . ..

I'm pregnant.  Yay.  I did not do a good job of documenting my journey to pregnant-hood at all.  But, yeah.  Gonna have a baby.  Whoda thunk it?

I would say I'll do better documenting my pregnancy, but I don't like making promises I'm unlikely to keep.  I will say, I'll try.

So far, I've had morning sickness in a weird way.  No throwing up, just constant nausea.  I wished I'd throw up, was even tempted to stick a finger down my throat a few times just hoping for a little relief, but no.  The pregnancy sickness has gotten better in the last week or so.  I've passed the nine week mark, which my doctor told me was when morning sickness was supposed to *start*.  But, not for me.  It started around 6 weeks and then started getting better around 9 weeks.

Root canal day

Wow that last post was whiny. Feeling better today, but maybe because of the rc drugs. They will wear off at some point hopefully after i get home and find a comfy place to nest. Look at me keeping appointments and dealing with life. I haven't fallen over yet.

Officially depressed

That did not last long.  I just went off the Prozac January 1 and I'm not doing well already.  I tried starting St. John's Wort, but either it's taking a really long time to build up in my system or it just isn't going to work for me.

Last night, I couldn't stop crying after DH stomped around the house yelling at himself for something he did.  It wasn't even directed at me.   I can't concentrate at work.  I'm starting to get that feeling of being down in a well, looking way up at the rest of the world moving around up there without me.  That's how it always starts.  First, the inability to function.  Then the guilt and feelings of worthlessness because I'm not functioning.  Then, it gets really bad.

Dr. Jeanne told me that Prozac can stay in your system for weeks (or sometimes even months) and that she wouldn't be surprised if the only reason I'd been doing marginally well since I stopped taking it was that it was still floating around in my system and I could be in for serious trouble when it finally wears out of my system.  She said I need to go see my pdoc, and I shouldn't be self-medicating and yadda yadda.  I tried, but his next available appointment is Feb 16.  I made the appointment anyway, but it seems like a million years away. 

I know that all three doctors (including the teeny-bopper OB/Gyn I went to) told me that the risks of going off the Prozac may be higher than the risks of staying on it, and I know that I've done this before (gone off meds without checking with the doc) to no good end, and I know that I'm at high risk of recurrent major depressive episodes which have in the past led to suicidal thoughts.  I know.  I know.   I know.  I just hate meds.  I hate hate hate having to take a frickin pill every day.  I hate the side effects.  I hate not knowing what the long term effects on my body will be.  I hate that other people function and live without having to medicate.  I hate that people judge and criticize me (and others) for being on meds as though we were just doing it because it was some fad or something and not because it keeps us from dying.

I had hoped that adding regular exercise would help.  It's supposed to help.  But, all the studies are based on people with mild to moderate depression.  None of the alternative therapies have been shown to work with the majors.  I keep hoping they just haven't done the studies right, but so far... not so much with the helping.

Company party sucked

I think the CEO was the only one having any fun. But, that's pretty much the theme here at My Company (tm).

Bad science with any other name . . .

The linked article above irks me on so very many levels.  I'd like to stroll through their list and punch holes in it, if I may (and it's my blog, so yes I may.)

1.  Weigh Yourself Often (the article suggests daily)
      They cite a statistic puportedly by the National Weight Control Registry (NWCR) which I was unable to verfiy (they didn't really give much of a citation), but I did find the NWCR website, on which they note that "75% [of their study participants who have lost weight and kept it off] weigh themselves at least once a week."  I also found an article Consistent self-monitoring of weight: a key component of successful weight loss management
in which they state that "At baseline, 36.2% of participants reported weighing themselves at least once per day."  They also report that "Weight gain at 1-year follow-up was significantly greater for participants whose self-weighing frequency decreased between baseline and one year (4.0 +/- 6.3 kg) compared with those whose frequency increased (1.1 +/- 6.5 kg) or remained the same (1.8 +/- 5.3 kg)."

They don't seem to be stating or implying that weighing oneself every day is the reason for the weight loss success.  Instead (as noted in the title of the article), consistency was the key.   The only possible thing in the abstract that might indicate a suggestion that everyone should start weighing themselves daily was this comment, "more frequent weighing was associated with lower BMI and higher scores on disinhibition and cognitive restraint, although both scores remained within normal ranges."  However, the fact that the scores "remained within normal ranges" could indicate that any differences in BMI and scores were not statistically significant from a scientific point of view.

The lesson we should take away from this study is that decreased self-weighing frequency was correlated with greater weight gain in this particular study.  There's no indication that the reduction in self-weighing was the CAUSE of weight gain.  In fact, the weight gain and the reduction in self-weighing could both be symptoms of a larger issue, such as a reduced commitment to weight loss, or a feeling of complacency after initial weight loss goals were met, or any number of other reasons.

By the way, I found another study by a different set of scientists which came right out and said, "Weekly self-weighing seems to be a reasonable, evidence-supported recommendation for successful weight loss, but more research is warranted to determine the independent contribution of self-weighing to successful weight loss, as well as its potential risk of negative psychological impact."  Note, they said "weekly."

2. TURN OFF THE TV because visual cues can make you hungry
    I can't argue with this one, even though I could not find the study they cite.   I did find an article about an unrelated study, Hunger hormone: Makes food more attractive which described a mechanism for hunger to increase the affect of visual cues on food desire, so this one is reasonably sound.

3. PRAY THE FAT AWAY Christian men more likely to be fit?
       "Christian men who report feeling greater intimacy with God through prayer are more likely to be physically active than other men."   This statement is so comical that it made me choke on my mocha.  First of all, let's just start with the obvious.  Self-reporting.  How many wife-beating pedophiles would nevertheless self-report that they have a wonderful relationship with God and pray all the time?  That's an extreme example, but that's the sort of trouble you run into when relying on self-reports.  Not to mention the fact that the study apparently only talked to Christian men.  So, Buddhists who frequently meditate or Muslims who regularly engage in ritual prayer were not considered.  Even Christian women were apparently left out (although, to be fair this article was originally from a men's magazine).  Also, I really hate to interject personal experience into these things, since I know my own experiences are subjective.  BUT, I was raised Christian and many of the pastors I've had as well as youth ministers and Sunday school teachers have been at least noticeably overweight if not obese.     So, what does that mean? They didn't have a "greater intimacy with God through prayer," whatever that means?  Are the Cornell people trying to imply that fat people don't love God?

4. BEWARE TASTEBUD BETRAYAL  
"Hunger increases healthy men's taste sensitivity to sweet and salty substances," says researcher Yuriy Zverev, of the University of Malawi.  This seems to be supported by the article above about hormones and visual cues, so I won't argue with this one.

5. SNACK ON ALMONDS     They left off the "in conjunction with a reduced-calorie diet."  Man can not live on Almonds alone.  They do point out that 50 almonds have enough calories to be a meal replacement, but in my opinion they do not stress enough that almonds, though good for you and you should eat them when they fit into your calorie plan, are a high calorie food.  You can't just randomly snack on them without cutting out calories somewhere else or you're going to end up overeating.  In the study, almonds were used to promote satiety in low calorie diets, not just to randomly snack on.

6. GRAB THE DAY Start your diet in May. No other month will do.
They cite Judith Wurtman, Ph.D. from MIT, but I could not find any studies that indicate summer is any better a time to diet than any other time. In fact, starting to exercise in the winter might help counteract seasonal affective disorder, according to Judith Wurtman, Ph.D. (http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/186774/76083/winter-summer) as well as being the cure for the summertime blues(apologies to Eddie Cochran).

7. POUR A BOWL OF CEREAL FOR LUNCH
They have all the information in their summary, it just is not well presented, in my opinion.   Their emphasis is on the bowl of cereal, but the study was actually about portion control in general.  The people in the study (not surprisingly) lost weight because they reduced their calorie intake by about 640 a day, not specifically because they were eating cereal.  The same results may have been achievable with any food in a precisely portion-controlled amount, such as a Subway sandwich, for instance.   Jared Fogel did not lose all that weight because he was eating at Subway.  He lost it because he was strictly regulating his food intake to two subway sandwiches a day and a bag of (baked) chips.  Maybe he should have tried cereal.

8. GO UNDER THE NEEDLE acupuncture solves all problems
Ironically even the Chinese don't recommend acupuncture for weight loss [Thinking about acupuncture for treatment of simple obesity] states, "The correct way for weight-loss is health care including dietary regime and regular life schedule. Comparatively, [acupuncture] as the main choice for weight-loss is not recommended." An article from Medical University of South Caroline states, "at best, [complementary therapies such as acupuncture] should be used as adjuvants to the more conventional therapies of calorie restriction and exercise."

9. EAT A COW'S WORTH of dairy
The "just-right" amount is "two 8-ounce glasses of low-fat milk (699 mg), a cup of low-fat yogurt (338 mg), and an ounce and a half of cheese (287 mg)." These amounts sound sensible. Is that really a cow's worth? Am I being overly picky because of my annoyance with other parts of this article? Nah.  Also, an ounce and a half of cheese is about an inch cubed, or the size of a pair of dice (actually about 1.5 dice).  Not a lot, is what I'm saying.  Remember that although dairy products are high in calcium, they also feature high in the saturated fat and cholesterol department.  Calcium can be had from other sources, like greens.  One cup of collards has more calcium than 8 oz of milk or a die-and-half of cheese.  (http://www.citracal.com/Calcium/Calcium-Rich-Foods.aspx).   Collards are also rich in many other vitamins and nutrients, including folate which is important for those of us who are trying to conceive.

10. GAMBLE ON YOURSELF "Men do really well when they make weight loss a competitive game," says New York City nutritionist Joy Bauer, M.S., R.D.
Again with the men (to be fair, the article was originally from Men's Health magazine. Remind me not to buy that one for the hubs). Well, I am not going to argue with this point. Mainly because I am tired, but also because who cares? I'm not a man. This has no value for me personally. If you are a man, maybe you could share your comments about this point. Plus, this bullet point completely contradicts an earlier one, "Have a 6-month and a 1-year check-in—none of that 2-week garbage." What? I thought you were supposed to check-in every day?

Ho hum

Yes, today is the day.  My dear Aunt Flo has come to visit.  In a way, it's a relief because that means my PMS will end soonish.  DH was pretty disappointed that we didn't catch this time.  I feel fine with it.  I know it will happen when it's time.  Also,  it would have been less than optimal if I got pregnant last month due to our insurance changes. 

"Whether or not it is apparent to you, the universe is no doubt unfolding as it should."  --Max Ehrmann

Ick and ouch

Yesterday was a nasty day.  I woke up with a headache which seemed to alternate between the sinus headache from hell and a mild migraine.  I took some meds and went back to bed after calling in sick.  I slept until 1:30pm and woke up feeling like I'd been beaten up by a gang of nerf-bat-wielding psychos.  Plus I had a toothache.

So, my TWW is winding to a close.  I have had temperature drops two days in a row.  I fully expect to get my period tomorrow or the next day.  This month has been one of my worst PMS months in over a year.  I'm not sure what to think about that.  I've been taking Vitex and vitamine B6, both of which are supposed to help reduce PMS symptoms.  However, I did take EPO this month, which is new.  I am not doing that again next month, just in case that's what threw me into PMS hell.

The only other variable is that I joined sparkpeople.com this month (well, not until December 27, which is like a week ago).  I've been working out and counting my calories, but I haven't really made much change in what I actually eat, which is mostly crap.  Also, this month I was pretty bad about not taking my prenatal vitamins.  All in all, it was a pretty suboptimal month.

Oh well, there's always next month!

A BFN for me, CD 33, DPO 12

I broke down this morning and did a pregnancy test with my first morning urine.  I'm 12 days past ovulation, which is a reasonable time to test, if a bit early.  It is not uncommon for HcG levels to still be too low to show up on the HPT even as late as 14 - 16 days past ovulation.  As they say, it ain't over until AF shows, but my probabilities just went way down for this month.  I was more disappointed than I thought I would be.  This is only our second month trying, and I am of "advanced maternal age."  It would be pretty amazing if we got pregnant this quickly.

Two of the women in my two week wait group posted their positive results today.  It was invigorating.  I almost feel like even if I do not get my + this month, it will still be a great month because two of us made it.  Both of them had been trying for about two months, the same as I have.  They are both younger than me, so I would expect it to take me a little longer, just from the statistics.  It gives me hope.

Besides, I have not started my period yet.  I am still in the running for this month.  Who knows what will happen?

Never disturb a sleeping cat

Especially if she is sleeping on your face.

DPO 10

So cranky. Still to early to test for me since my luteal phase is usually around 15 days. I won't even be late for my period until after january 7. Patience is a virtue I need to work on cultivating.